I'll Be a Vampire's Uncle, or Twin
by Spike is mine
Summary: Torchwood Buffy crossover staring our favorite lookalikes- Spike and John Hart! Jack joins the mix, and trouble ensuse in this short piece on family, love and mistaken identity. Warning: Heavy slash. May be expanded if enough people want it. Hints of spuffy, but involves Spike/others/males Set in season six, sometime after Gone.


Spike stumbled through the dark Sunnydale streets, grumbling to himself.

"Stupid bloody slayer. I'm not her pet. Not at her beckon call. Next time she wants a little bit of lovin', I'll send her away," he slurred irritably. "Yeah, that's it. That's what I'll do."

Spike bumped into a damn hard back and fell promptly onto his ass.

"Oi! Watch where you're damn well going!" he barked.

The man turned around, raising his eyebrow questioningly. "John?"

Spike struggled to his feet."I ought to kick your arse."

Jack sighed. "John, what are you doing here? Are you stalking me now?"

Spike snorted. "Please, that's the bloody poofter's thing. I don't stalk or brood." Spike paused, his alcohol induced haze finally letting a thought through. "'ey, wait a mo. You keep calling me John. What's that about then?"

Jack rolled his eyes. "You must be totally wasted. How much have you had to drink?"

"A few bottles of JD, and a tequila bottle or two. What of it?"

Jack grabbed Spike's shoulder. "You're too drunk to leave alone. Come on, John, follow the leader. Love the hair by the way."

"Oh thanks. No one understand the... Oi!" Spike pulled away. "Who the hell do you think you are? I'm a grown ass man, and I'll do what I want."

Jack stepped in close, invading Spike's personal space. "I tell you what, you come with me, and I'll," he pressed his body against Spike's, "reward you." He lean in to press his lips similarly to Spike's.

Spike gripped Jack's shoulders, and brought his knee up between his legs swiftly. "Didn't let my grandsire do that," Spike growled and let Jack stumble back and curl into himself, "and I sure as shit won't let you do it."

"God damn it, John," Jack wheezed.

"I'm not John!" Spike growled.

"You're crazy," Jack snapped.

Spike shrugged, walking away. "Probably. Definitely love's bitch, though." He wondered if Buffy wanted a little lovin'.

XxXx

Xander grunted as Anya asked him another question about the flower arrangements for their wedding.

"Do you like this one better?"

"Yeahnuhmaybe," he mumbled.

"You're absolutely right. The first one was better."

The chime tinkled happily as a customers arrived. Anya left Xander to read his comic, and greeted the newcomers with a warm "How may I help you spend your money?"

Xander ignored the rest of the magic mumbo jumbo, and concentrated solely on Spiderman.

"Excuse me, handsome," a low male voice purred, "I was wondering if you could help me with a little problem?"

Xander look up and jumped in his seat, falling off. He gaped at the man. He looked just like Spike! A Little older maybe, and brunette, but other than that he was a clone. "Wh- what?" Xander stammered.

John smirked. "You certainly are cute." He leaned and the table, half sitting on it. "If I weren't busy I think I'd have to get you into my bed. Or on the table. Or against a wall."

He curled his tongue behind his teeth as Xander stuttered indignantly.

"Hello," Anya chirped, "what do you want?"

John's eyes dragged down and up her body, making it clear what he really wanted. Anya gave him the same look over, much to Xander's annoyance.

"I was looking for a blonde. Sweet lil' morsel, goes by Spike?"

Xander growled, finally making it to his feet. "Spike, what the hell are you doing?"

John shook his head. "Name's John, handsome."

Xander grabbed John's collar, shaking him. "Spike, if this is a trick, so help me I'll... I'll stake you!"

"Blow me," John said, brushing Xander's hand away. "I tell you what I want, when I want, and not a damn minute sooner. And I'm not Spike. I'm John, Spike is-"

"What's up?" Buffy asked as she left the back room where she had been attempting to ignore the urge to see Spike. "Sp- Spike?"

"Afraid not, sweet thing, but if you two are dating, I'd happily screw you in his place. I'm sure he wouldn't mind."

Buffy's eyes widened, then narrowed. "Who the hell are-" Her question was interrupted by Spike falling through the front door, Jack hot on his heels.

"Leave me alone!" Spike cried in frustration. "I'm not sleeping with you!"

"I wasn't asking you to, John," Jack snapped.

"Um, Jack?" John waved slightly at his ex partner.

"John?"

"That's the name on my boxers. Or, it would be, if I wore anything."

Spike frowned, staring at John. "John?" he mumbled.

"Hello, Spike, long time no see."

Buffy stamped her foot. "What the hell is going on? Who are you?" she asked John.

He ignored her. "How are you, brother?"

Spike shrugged. "Fine. You?"

"Looking for you. Anything new?"

"Not with Dru anymore. You?"

"Not a Time Agent anymore. What happened to Dru? I liked her."

"She left, I moved on. What happened to your job?"

"Guess you could say it went out of business. Dating anyone new?"

"Yeah, but it's more like enemies with benefits. For her at least." Spike glanced at Buffy.

John followed the flick of Spike's eyes. "Oh goodie! I like blondes. Think she'll be as... accommodating as Drusilla was?"

Spike scoffed, "Doubt it. The stick up her arse has a stick up its arse."

"Pity."

The others in the room watched the exchange with varying degrees of amusement, bemusement, horror, and attraction. All at once the room erupted with a cacophony of questions and accusations.

"You're sleeping with Spike?" Xander choked out.

"You two would be impressive in bed together. Have you ever had sex together?" Anya asked John and Spike.

"Brother? You never mentioned a brother," Jack complained.

"What the hell is going on!?" Buffy yelled.

Spike covered his ears, groaning. "Shut up!"

John moved to his side, patting his shoulder. "I'll field the question." He ticked off four fingers as he answered the various people. "Yes, Spike and the blonde are sleeping together, and I guarantee she loves it. Yes we've had sex, that's how I know she loves it. Yes he's my brother. Never told you because you shouldn't be the only one with secrets. I'm John, William's twin. At birth we were separated. He was stuck in the past, I went to the future. I found out, and then found him. We've since found each other periodically, and hooked up for drinks or a bit of a rough and tumble." He paused to take a deep breath. "Answer all your questions?"

Xander made a gagging noise. "You two have sex? Yuck."

"This isn't fair. You kept what could be an amazing threesome from me," Jack complained.

"Huh?" Buffy grunted, her mind taking her though a vivid gallery of Spike on twin brother sex.

"I wish I were single," Anya grumbling under her breath. "I'd already have you two at my apartment." She looked at Jack and amended her statement. "You three."

"I like her. Why can't you be fucking her?" John asked Spike, who made a noncommittal sound.

"You stay the hell away from my fiancée," Xander growled, stepping in front of Anya.

Jack whined, "I don't like being ignored!"

Spike snorted. "You really sleep with this guy?"

"Hey, don't knock it until you've tried it," John defended.

Jack purred, "The three of us could get better acquainted at a nice hotel."

"Not likely. Only one man I shag," Spike said.

"Not fair," Jack pouted. "This is like showing a kid Disney World, and making him stay outside while you have fun!"

"Gross!" Xander shuddered. "This is too much for me. I'm going home. Anya, you're coming with me."

"But the store!" Anya argued.

"Buffy will deal. By the way, Buffy, we still need to talk about this Spike thing. Later. But we will talk!"

Spike and John watched Anya leave with twin looks of appreciation.

"Got a bed?" John asked Spike.

"Yeah," he drawled.

"Big enough for two?" John asked with a leer.

"Mmm, plenty big." Spike stepped closer to John, pressing his lips firmly against his.

"Oh come on!" Jack cried. "This is cruel even for you, John. I'd share if I had a twin."

Buffy shook her head in disbelief. "This is crazy. You're all crazy! Spike, stop... acting like an alien has invaded your body!"

Spike grinned. "Feel free to join us, pet." He grabbed John by his belt and tugged him towards the door. "We're just going to get started."

John complained, "How come your honey gets to join, but I don't get to invite Jack?"

Spike sighed. "Fine. You get one invite too. Sure you choose Jack?"

"Well that tasty grandsire of yours isn't here, so... Yes. Jack, feel free to come join us later. And I stress later. Gotta catch up with my brother first."

Spike rolled his eyes once at the mention of Angel, and again at Jack's child-like eagerness.

Ignoring all else, the brothers left the Magic Box together in a tangle of kisses and caresses.

Jack looked at Buffy. "Hi, I'm Capitan Jack Harkness. Buffy, was it?" he asked with his patented smile.

XxXx

John stroked his hand down Spike's torso as they basked in post coital bliss.

"Think either will come?" Spike murmured, eyes closed.

"Several times, in many different positions. But only when we allow them."

Spike smirked, peeking up at his brother through a cracked eye. "You like Jack, don't you?"

"He's the one that got away. I... Care about him? I don't know. I don't like losing, that's it. I lost him, and it annoys me."

Spike brushed his fingers under John's chin, coaxing his mouth down to his. "His loss," Spike whispered. "He's the one who's lost something. You can have a dozen like him in an hour."

John ran his hands down Spike's back. "No, but that's okay."

Spike reached between them, finding John's awakening erection.

John moaned, thrusting into his hand. "I forgot about your appetite."

Spike ran his lips across his jaw. "You're keeping up quite nicely. If I didn't know better, I'd think you're a vamp too."

"Mmm, high praise."

Their eyes shot up as the crypt door opened.

"One of our guests has arrived," Spike said quietly. "Any guesses on who?"

John snorted. "Jack. I'm surprised it took him this long to track us down."

It took three minutes for the Torchwood leader to find his way downstairs.

"Okay, I stayed away as long as humanly possible," Jack said as he climbed down the latter.

John ran his fingers down Spike's stomach as they watched Jack.

"Gonna join or what?" Spike asked, raising his eyebrow.

Jack tore his eyes off the erotic scene long enough to drop his coat and shuck off the rest of his clothes.

John laughed as Jack jumped into bed. "Eager, aren't you?"

Jack pressed his lips against John's. "Very."

Spike pressed his body against Jack's side. "Well now, if I'm gonna do this, I'm not going to be left out."

Jack laced his fingers through Spike's hair, kissing him hard .

John used his mouth to map out the planes of Jack's torso. Nipping, sucking and biting his way down his stomach.

"I missed your mouth more than I realized," Jack gasped. He whimpered as Spike bit his ear. "And now I've got two of them."

Spike grinned. "You're use to being in charge, aren't you?"

"He never gives it up easily," John said, lazily dragging his tongue up Jack's cock.

Spike ran his index and middle fingers against Jack's lips. "Nether do I," he murmured. "Open up, precious."

Jack let his fingers in, sucking and toying with them with his tongue.

Spike moaned, thrusting against Jack's backside.

"Hey, careful," John complained, his bottom lip lightly brushing Jack's weepy head. "Nearly gagged me."

Spike thrust again, causing Jack's cock to thrust into John's mouth.

"Shut up, pet. You know you love it," he purred.

Jack groaned, pressing his tongue against Spike's fingers, drawing his attention back.

Spike slipped his fingers out of Jack's mouth. "Hmm, nice and wet."

He brought his finger to Jack's toned ass, pushing his index through the tight circle of muscles.

"So tight, baby. You're going to feel so good around me."

Jack clenched his teeth as both Spike's fingers invaded him. "Please," he groaned.

"You want me to fuck you, baby? Feel my cock inside you?"

Jack pushed back against his fingers. "Yes. Oh god yes."

John moved back up Jack's body, kneeling so his cock bobbed near Jack's lips.

"Isn't Spike something else? Already you're writhing and begging. Well, be a good boy and suck me off. Best use of your mouth that I can think of."

Jack glared at John. No matter how much he loved fucking his annoying ex partner, he couldn't help but want to throttle him.

Spike realized the irritation John was causing, and took it upon himself to turn his new lover's attention back to him. He used one hand to guide himself inside Jack, while his other stroked Jack's cock.

Both men moan at the connection, and John took the opportunity to make good use of Jack's mouth.

John laced his fingers through Spike's hair, pulling him sharply up and into a kiss. Spike gasped and John's tongue invaded his mouth.

Jack watch the erotic kiss as best he could from the awkward position. He had his fair share of threesomes, and twins, but none compared to the two in which he was currently entangled. He eagerly sucked John, putting his tongue to good use.

Spike was close. His thrusts were hard, and fast despite the position they were in. His lips stayed fused to his brother's. He was so close.

John loved Spike's mouth. He always tasted divine. He liked Jack's mouth as well, though not for it's taste at the moment.

John came first, biting Spike's bottom lip hard as he emptied himself into Jack's mouth.

Jack jerked his hips against Spike's hand, his cries of release were muffled by John's softening cock.

Spike growled as the taste of his own blood hit his tongue. Mixed with Jack's clenching muscles, and the heady scent of both his lovers' orgasm was too much. He dropped headlong into his own oblivion.

After several minutes of recovery, they eased into a relaxed position, Spike and John sandwiching a very comfortable, very content Jack.

Spike groaned, burying his face into Jack's shoulder.

"What's wrong?" John mumbled, face nuzzled into his own shoulder of Jack's.

"Buffy's here."


End file.
